If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.