Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
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[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
this isn’t threatening at all
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.