do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.