i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.