Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
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Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *