If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
File under excellent bookstore names.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.