All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*