*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.