I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You Might Also Like
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems