Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
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Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though