I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
💯😂
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]