Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
why am I working on Labor Day
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume