Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.