Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣