my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
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Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I hope this email finds you in a well
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.