I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I feel it
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”