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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Terribly Tuesday.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Not today, today.
Not today.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.