I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
You Might Also Like
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
what it’s like dating me:
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better