[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.