I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
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Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
“You’d better run, egg!”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.