[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me sliding into hell like
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.