Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Employees must applaud the planets.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.