Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
The Weeknd is back
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.