[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
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[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Cardio Made Easy
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.