UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.