My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
i actually laughed 😩
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’