The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
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Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times