My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”