[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Blew out my flip flop…
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.