If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
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The devil.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
pelicons
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.