Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
How do you milk an almond?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.