dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
This will never not be funny to me.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: