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My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates