What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
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My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?