Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
You Might Also Like
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…