Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
accurate
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.