My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh