Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.