According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need