Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?