Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted