“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Dyslexics are teople poo!
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.