Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You Might Also Like
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
LOOOOOOL
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.