-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
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guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.