She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Baller is short for ballerina
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
The happy life.. 😊
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work