I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!