You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.