o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
two people or more is called a problem
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?