My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.