My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.